Thursday, September 28, 2006

You stay classy, West Lafayette

One thing that I love about Notre Dame is the fact that everyone either likes them and pulls for them week in and week out, or absolutely hates the school with a passion and tunes in week after week hoping to see the Irish lose. I love how every week, no matter if the opponent is USC or Arizona State, everyone thinks that they're Notre Dame's biggest rival. The exception here I believe is the three military schools, especially Navy since they are the only one on the schedule each year.

Purdue fans are as bad as any at this. Don't believe me? Scroll down a little bit. The classless people of Northwest Indiana who are truly supposed to be rivals with Indiana University think it is their place to bad mouth everything that is Notre Dame. Who knows what Purdue has done throughout history to earn this, but apparantely (according to one shmuck at least) Notre Dame is God's way of telling the world he hates us all, enjoy, it was pulled from a PU message board.

I really, really hate Notre Dame

I hate the campus. It's not that pretty. The roads are pavement. The buildings are brick. Last I heard the candles in the grotto were made of wax. The way they talk about it, I expected rivers of chocolate, trees made of cinnamon sticks growing candied apples picked by singing Tahitian dwarves enslaved by a tall guy with good teeth and a tall hat.

I hate the students. All 4,000 of them show up to the game in the same stupid green t-shirt that bears the photos of the Four Horsemen and says "RETURN TO THAT TIME BEFORE I WAS ALIVE WHEN WINNING EIGHT GAMES WAS CAUSE FOR MASS CONSUMPTION OF INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH DRAIN CLEANER" or some crap like that. I hate the fact that the girls yell "Go Irish!" in such an ear-piercing tones it makes me wish my ears were equipped with a high-pitch band reject filter. I hate the fact that 75% of them couldn't name the starting five on the men's basketball team, but they can tell you the helmet size of their true freshman backup gunner on the scout team's punt coverage unit.

I hate their fans. I hate when they say "I'm from Bangladesh, so I like Notre Dame" or "My dog's previous owner was Catholic, so I like Notre Dame". I hate the fact that they haven't won a national championship since before most of them were catheterized, yet they continue to bring it up even after you just waxed them 41-16 on their home field. I hate the fact that they cried during Rudy. There are stories occurring every day at deaf high schools around the country better than Rudy, yet we have to watch a long-winded movie about a Bangledeshi midget with the foot speed of a heavily sedated three-legged yak whose dog's previous owner was Catholic and so he grew up wearing a Notre Dame letter jacket, talked to an old bald guy and had his dorky friends chant his name so he could get playing time against the Angry Lepers of Southwestern Nebraska School of Appendectomy Surgery and Haiku Poetry.

I hate their stadium. It's nothing special. It seats 80,000. It didn't wake up any echoes when I walked in. Wrigley Field gives me goose bumps. Notre Dame Stadium gives me sneezing fits. I hate the bloody leprechaun that prances the sidelines like a Penn State flag boy wearing capri pants. I want to back over him with the Special. I'd like to beat his head against the World's Largest Drum. I hate the tailgating scene at ND. I've seen shorter lines for Port-A-Lets at Kid Rock concerts. I've seen better spreads tailgating at IU and Northwestern.

I hate NBC. I hate Sunday Night Football on NBC. I hate John Madden for being on NBC. I hate 2:30 kickoffs. Play at noon or 3:30 like everyone else. I hate the fact that my cable company doesn't even carry NBCHD.

I hate Charlie Weis. He's arrogant and overrated. I'm sorry, but when your team lays an egg at home against the first truly good team they play, you're not Yoda. When Michigan State is pasting you before John L. Smith pulls a John L. Smith and hands you the game, you're not even Jabba. Jabba had Carrie Fisher in a bikini and chains. Weis couldn't get Rosie O'Donnell in spandex. I hate how those window-licking morons in South Bend anointed him after one good season and completely forgot the fact that Ty started out pretty hot too. I hate the fact that his profile from his forehead to his gut is a straight line. I hate the fact that he's taller lying down than he is standing up. I hate the fact that his offensive line rolls him out of the tunnel and onto the sideline like that fat kid from Hook.

I hate Lou Holtz, the commentator, and how even though he coached at other schools afterward, he still jocks ND. I hate Lou Holtz, the coach, for going into Purdue's locker room after pummeling us in the 80's and telling Lani Paleli that if he wanted to come to Notre Dame, he would still take him (even though he played for Purdue). I hate Lou Holtz, the old wrinkly author and his "motivational speeches". I hate that he seems drunker than Harry Caray (rest his soul!) at 9pm during a day-night double-header when he's stone cold sober.

I hate all the talk about their schedule. They wouldn't be that great in the Big 10 and they know it. They would be like Penn State: just another good team. They would struggle to play their Big 10 teams, USC and still squeeze in all the service academies and retirement center rec squads they manage to eke on to their schedule so they can be bowl-eligible every year. I hate the fact that even though their schedule is no harder than any SEC, ACC or Big 10 team plays year in year out, we have to hear about how hard it is to play Michigan, Purdue, Michigan State and USC EVERY STINKING YEAR!!!!!!!!! Never mind MOST Big 10 teams play Michigan, Michigan State, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin, and Iowa week in, week out, without benefit of scheduling them as they see fit.

I hate the fact that after several seasons, DaveK continues to sucker people with his Notre Dame comments. I hate the fact that people get all in a twist about every mention of Jeff Al-Zarqawihoushmanzadehokoyepolamaluzibikowski's name on our board.

I really, really hate Notre Dame, but that's just me.

Did someone say "bitter" or "jealous" or is that just me thinking out loud?

1 comment:

gwzimm said...

The Purdue writer obviously has a little weenie